“I Don’t Know”: Why Children Sometimes Find It Hard to Talk About Their Feelings

If you ask a child how they are feeling, what happened at school or why something upset them, you may be met with three familiar words:

“I don’t know.”

For parents, this can sometimes be frustrating or worrying. You may wonder whether your child doesn’t want to talk, is avoiding the question, or simply doesn’t know how to explain what is going on.

Often, “I don’t know” really does mean I don’t know.

Children don’t always have the words

Understanding and describing emotions is a skill that develops over time. A child may know that something doesn’t feel right without being able to identify exactly what they are feeling or why.

They might notice a sore tummy before school, feel unusually irritable, become quiet or withdrawn, or suddenly become upset over something that seems quite small. Their behaviour may be communicating something that they cannot yet put into words.

Even when children recognise an emotion, explaining what caused it can be difficult. Questions such as “Why are you worried?” or “Why did you get so angry?” require a child to notice what is happening internally, identify the emotion, connect it to an experience and then explain all of that to another person.

That is quite a lot to ask.

Sometimes talking feels too hard

There are also times when a child may have the words but isn't ready to use them.

Talking about something uncomfortable can feel vulnerable. Children may worry about getting into trouble, upsetting someone, saying the wrong thing or being misunderstood. Sometimes they simply need more time before they feel comfortable sharing.

This is one reason building a trusting relationship is such an important part of counselling with children.

A child does not need to walk into a counselling room and immediately explain everything that is troubling them.

Counselling with children doesn’t have to mean sitting and talking

Adults often imagine counselling as two people sitting opposite one another having a conversation. While talking can certainly be part of child counselling, it is only one way children can communicate and explore what they are experiencing.

Sessions might include drawing, games, creative activities, storytelling, play, movement or practical activities. Sometimes a conversation happens while we are doing something else rather than through direct questioning. For some children, having something to do can take the pressure off having to talk.

Animal-assisted therapy can provide another way for children to engage in the counselling process. At Calming Paws Therapy, accredited therapy dog Winnie may be incorporated into sessions where appropriate. Interacting with Winnie, teaching her a trick, playing a game or simply having her nearby can provide another point of connection and help counselling feel less formal.

Moving beyond “How do you feel?”

We can also make it easier for children to communicate by changing the way we ask questions.

Instead of repeatedly asking “How do you feel?”, we might explore:

What did you notice in your body?

What was going through your mind?

If that feeling had a colour, what colour would it be?

Was it a little feeling, a medium feeling or a really big feeling?

What did you feel like doing when that happened?

Children can also use emotion cards, pictures, scales or other visual tools to show us something they may not yet be able to explain. Over time, these experiences can help children develop a richer emotional vocabulary and a better understanding of themselves.

What can parents do at home?

If your child regularly responds with “I don’t know,” try not to treat it as the end of the conversation — or something that needs to be solved immediately. You might acknowledge their response and leave the door open:

“That’s okay. You might not know yet. If you want to talk about it later, I’m here.”

Sometimes children talk more easily while doing something alongside us — driving in the car, walking the dog, drawing, kicking a ball or preparing food together. Removing the expectation of eye contact and direct conversation can make sharing feel easier.

It can also help to notice what you observe without telling your child what they are feeling:

“I noticed you became really quiet when we started talking about school.”

This gives your child something concrete to respond to without requiring them to immediately explain why.

Communication can take many forms

When children struggle to talk about their feelings, it doesn’t necessarily mean they have nothing to say.

Sometimes they need different words. Sometimes they need a different way to communicate. And sometimes they simply need time, safety and a relationship in which they feel comfortable enough to begin.

Child counselling can provide a space where children are not expected to have all the answers. Through conversation, play, creativity, practical activities and, where appropriate, animal-assisted therapy with Winnie, children can gradually develop greater awareness of their emotions and find ways of expressing what is happening for them.

If your child is finding it difficult to talk about their emotions or experiences, child counselling can provide a supportive space to explore what is happening at their own pace. Calming Paws Therapy provides counselling for children and young people in Highett and across Bayside Melbourne.